Best Diet Ever!!! Fail proof! Guaranteed to work!!!

So we're past the holidays, winter's in full gear and Spring is around the corner... time to shed a few of those 'extra' pounds...

I have a diet/exercise program GUARANTEED to work!!! Best of all, it is as cheap or expensive as you want it to be...Yes, absolutely GUARANTEED!!!

It's easy, it's fun and it's PROVEN to shed pounds!!!

Manny Stiles' Fail Proof Diet -

Step 1 - Stop eating in all forms and manners. Don't consume anything! Don't swallow your own spit. Not yet, anyway... we'll provide a list of 'approved' foods- like any good diet!!!
Acceptable foods: water, milk, celery, ExLax, coffee, cigarettes, Castor Oil, Syrup of Ipecac

Every time you feel pains of hunger, shove your face into a used and overflowing baby diaper, then shove your longest finger down your throat, wash it down with an ExLax and a cup of 5 week old, room temperature milk.

Step 2 - Exercise maniacally! All day, with every movement, include a high level of "unneccessary movement" as well. Walk up stairs while swinging your head & flapping your arms, If you're doing pull ups, kick your legs furiously. If you like to run, run while flailing as if you are landswimming.... Scream as loud as you can every moment you realize you aren't screaming...This doesn't mean you need to join a gym... You can exercise right in your neighborhood for free! Also, work out when using the bathroom, flail your arms, make violent facial expressions (burns many calories).... this is often overlooked, but with your diet kicking in, you'll have lots of free time in the restroom, capitalize on your efforts!

Step 3 - If you are a Hollywood Actor/Actress, get lots of cocaine, you're a star, diet like one!!!(it'll help your image and self-esteem as well as find you lots of new, talkative friends)

...if you're a B-level celebrity, try regular street Meth, it's cheaper for your tight budget (Plus, it'll help us rid the world of you once and for all)

...if you're a nobody like the rest of us... try both of the above and eat one Ex-Lax for every 5 pounds of weight you want to lose, 3 times a day...and drink one cup of black coffee for every 10 pounds you want to lose, also 3 times a day... you might want to take up cigarettes, as well... not smoking them, eating them!!! Smoking's bad for your health, but there's nothing on the label that says it's bad to eat them... You're on a diet and cigarettes are one of the best things to eat to help out your diet...

Also, try and contract as many communicable diseases and parasites of all varieties as you can at once... Intestinal viruses are among the most valuable and overlooked diet aids...Your darned immune sytem spends too little energy when you're healthy! Make it work hard and the pounds fall off FAST! Plus expectorating fluids helps the cause as well!!! Remember to kick those legs when you're coughing!!! Leeches can also rid you of unwanted blood, it's just extra water weight anyway...

Step 4 - The diet is more important than ANYTHING - your health, family, well-being, and if anyone comes to 'Help you" just wants to see you get fatter, so do everything exactly OPPOSITE of whatever they say. Make sure you're kicking and flailing while you tell them to leave you alone.

Step 5 - do steps 1-4 repreatedly and continuously. Remember, YOU ARE GUARANTEED to lose weight trying this diet, however any complications that may occur under this program is definitely a result that you fully deserved.

... little known fact: ExLax does not lose it's potency after it has passed through your system! Some say it works BETTER the second time! Capture your 'used' ExLax and you can save money and get twice the benefit from the same amount of ExLax...(mix with a little Castor Oil to improve the flavor)