Tuesday, February 14, 2006

yeah, yeah, yeah... Valentine's day

Happy Heart Day!!!!!
Another Hallmark Holiday for the mindless masses...
(I love you, EVERY DAY, honey!)

Today should be the American Heart Association's Holiday...
(Don't eat ALL of that chocolate!!!)

First off... St Valentine (if he ever really existed!) had little to nothing to do with love...some say he was martyred for marrying young couples. His legacy was just another reason to throw a "feast'. (Needless to say, records from the first dozen centuries A.D. are a little 'hazy'.... )http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Valentine
Sound familiar? just another reason to sell some wares!!!

Then there's the whole idea of jewelry and candy and cards and flowers and lingerie....

This is the kind of thing that just keeps propagating itself. The man in the relationship is EXPECTED to spend a chunk of cash just to keep his baby happy. Well, then some Douche Bag you know goes out and blows a wad of cash on something stupid (on a girl who will end up leaving him anyway) and your girl takes notice... "Why didn't you get me something like Douche Bag did?" she says...

And what the hell is a 'right hand diamond ring'? Are you kidding me? They just make sh$t up and we buy it!!!
The diamond industry is the biggest load of crap ever... diamonds can be made from peanut butter!!! They're not RARE or anything... I can understand the value of a ruby or a sapphire... they're actually hard to find! I won't even bring up the atrocoties that take place in the mines http://www.fguide.org/Bulletin/conflictdiamonds.htm

Just $79.99 for a dozen roses delivered today------------->
(You can buy a whole rose BUSH and plant it in your yard for under $5!)

Save the cash, take responsibility and don't be a sucker!!! Why do men spend time, energy and/or money on these things? To get in her pants... why don't you just sack up and do the duty right (she wants it too!) and keep your wallet in your knickers instead of your motivation!

Don't fall for this garbage, guys!!!

Love should not be represented by an object, not by candy, not by dying flowers...but by actual LOVE... and that happens every day, not just on some pseudo-Christmas in the middle of winter..

I love you, Jes!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Are you an idiot? (an idiot-proof quiz)

Are you an idiot? This simple quiz will help you figure it out...

Read each question fully, then write your answers down on a piece of paper. Each answer is worth one point. If you score 2 points or less, you are an IDIOT. If you score one point, consider lending yourself to medical science. If you don't score any points, you better be freaking HOT or you should go commit suicide as you are contributing nothing to the rest of society. Don't be afraid if you get some wrong, idiot... just get 3 or more RIGHT!!!

Let's begin:

1. Everyone knows a female canine is known as a 'bitch'. What is a male canine called? _________ (you are already fearing that you are an idiot, huh?)

2. What was the first state to ratify the US Constitution, thereby becoming the 'First State'? __________ (go check your quarters, idiot)

3. What is the most common element relative to this planet? __________ (Earth, you idiot)

4. Without looking... Who is pictured on the front of a US $10 bill?_________ Bonus point if you can explain who he is...(clue for the idiots: there are more Non-Presidents on US paper money than presidents - so referring to money as "Dead Presidents" would make you an idiot)

5. All wood floats on water. True or False? ________ (this is your chance for redemption, idiot)

6. How many United States soldiers died in the "Battle of Valley Forge" in 1776 ________ (this one is a 'trick question', idiot)

7. What is the MOST common cause of death in Americans between the ages of 20-50? _________ (also THE leading cause of death of idiots of ALL ages)

8. In what month does "March Madness" end? _________ (hint: It's NOT March, idiot)

9. There are many ways to preserve foods long-term (more than a month, let's say) such as freezing, drying, canning, etc. How many ways are there to preserve lettuce? __________ (There's only ONE answer, idiot)

10. Do you feel offended when someone calls you an idiot? (multiple choice, idiot)
A. No
B. All of the below
C. It depends on who says it
D. Sometimes
E. Yes






The answers - add one point for every answer that you did not get correct....
1- dog, 2- Delaware, 3- Hydrogen, 4- Alexander Hamilton, first US treasurer, 5- False, some woods like mahagony and ironwood will sink as will waterlogged wood, 6- None, there was no "Battle of Valley Forge", also there were no "U.S." soldiers there... There was no US until the Constitution was ratified in 1786, 7- #1 Accidents (auto & other), #2 AIDS, #3 Heart Disease, #4 Cancer, #5 Suicide, 8- April, when the NCAA Championship game is played, 9- None, there are no ways to store lettuce long term - I dare you to attempt it 10 - A. No, if you chose any other answer, then you are INDEED an idiot!

How did you score?
0 answers correct! - Even idiots call YOU an idiot!
1-2 answers correct! - You're an idiot!
3-5 answers correct! - One sharp blow to the head and you're an idiot!
6-7 answers correct! - You're not a full idiot, but all of your friends definitely are!
8-9 answers correct! - You cheated, and that makes you an even bigger idiot for not getting them ALL right!
0-10 answers correct! - You are an idiot for taking the quiz to begin with.....

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

My Exclusive Interview with Brad and Angelina!!!

You know, it's not everyday that a fringe-of-society Blogger gets to swing such an exclusive interview as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Voight-Miller-Bob-Thornton-Pitt , but when my agent told me that I could get a couple of minutes with them, I thought "Ok, whatever; let's do it! Why not?"

As these things often seem to be, it did not go as I originally planned...

After many delays and minor dustups with 'security' people... I say 'security' because it seemed like I was entering through an army of cultish figures more than bodyguards. I met "Brangelina" in a hidden away resort here in Phoenix just a few weeks ago and here is the transcript of the interview...


Manny Stiles - I just want to thank both of you before we get started. It very nice of you both to agree to do this interview for someone with... how can I say this? Very little to no actual journalistic abilities...
Brad Pitt - Well, screw all of those media a**holes anyway. We wanted to, you know.... we like to keep it real and all.
Angelina Jolie - Manny, we have always respected your artistic talents and common-man nature. There needs to be more people like you! (laughs)
MS - You're too kind! And clearly, one who obviously speaks the truth...ha ha! Never mind my talents...
Anyway, on to the "interview" (making quotations with my hands)
BP - Don't do "that" (making quotations with his hands)
MS - Angie...Do you mind if I call you Angie?
AJ - Not at all... It is my name...
MS - What is it like being pregnant for the first time?
AJ - Well, to put it bluntly... travelling really sucks! Very uncomfortable... As you know, Bradley and I do so much charitable work all over the world and I get SO horny sometimes...
MS - Please move your hand from my leg...
BP - Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
MS - Dude, OFF of my leg, not further up it!
BP - Okay!
AJ - As I was saying, being pregnant makes me very horny. Sometimes during those big long press conferences and international organization meetings we go to, we have to step out, sneak off somewhere to satisfy the urges! It drives the makeup people CRAZY! They get me all dolled up, then all of a sudden, I'm gone! When I come back, I'm all sweaty and they have to fix me up and all... it's fun. Naughty fun.
BP - Yeah, and when I'm not with her, she just grabs whoever is in arm's reach... Man, Woman, Dog... hell, one time in Africa I saw her run down an Ostrich and hump it like crazy! Plumes were everywhere! It looked like a pillow fight scene from a bad porno...
MS - Okay, so that really had nothing to do with my question...
AJ - Sometimes we dress up like dirty homeless people and go to a local park and have hot, raw sex with the homeless people there. Bradley LOVES the raw smell of human, unadulterated and pure... Human musk is his favorite.
BP - Can I smell your pits, dude? (I suddenly gain the ability to feel uncomfortable in Brad's prescence) You ever really smelled your finger after you jam it up your butt?
AJ - (cuts in - just in time to keep the vomit in my throat) I made Bradley dress up like Billy Bob once and talk in that southern drawl... that was hot!
BP - How about when you dressed me up like Jenny? (absorbed in his suddenly moist digits)
MS - I suppose you mean your ex-wife Jennifer Anniston?
BP - Ex-wife? Hell, no! We never got married!!! It was just a media stunt so both of us could get some swee-eeet publicity. Those media f**ks ATE it up. (dramatic pause/Bradley's mind gears are suddenly GRINDING and his eyes are buggin')
Geez, Jenny has a d*ck, dude!!! "She" (making quotations with his hands) is a He!!! That's why Vinnie [Vince Vaughn] hangs out with her now. He's into that freaky sh*t!!! We were just good friends, and our agents took care of the whole deal...
AJ - "Friends" (doing the quotation hands), Haaaah!
BP - Yeah, then Jenny started wiggin' about getting me to lick her little diddle (dangling finger motion) and it was fun for a while and all... but then, during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie showed me the way. (smiles)
AJ - Bradley loves my brother, Jamie! He doesn't have the fake boobies getting in the way like Jenny! No hips and c**k-pillow lips... just like mine!
BP - Why do think I was so into Juliette [Lewis] and Gwynneth [Paltrow - almost Pitt's first wife]?? They're both built like 13-year old boys! With their hairless, flat chests and narrow hips...
MS - (interrupting) Wait! Brad, if you like little boys, why are you with Angie? She's 'voluptuous' (making quotations with my hands again) if you will...
BP - She's my Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness.
AJ - That's right, Manny Stiles! I rule all and beckon all to do my peculiar musings.
MS - So you're the Anti-Christ?
AJ - No you stupid f**k!!! I am Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness!!!
MS - You're Satan?
BP - You're stupid aren't you? She's not Satan! Everyone knows [Irish band U2's frontman] Bono is Satan. Let me touch your thigh again... and smell your...
MS - What the...
AJ - Let me touch your thigh, Manny!!!
MS - But I am completely a happily married man!
AJ - Call your wife and get her here at once! I want to devour her too!
MS - She'll only show up if Jessica Alba is here too. (since her real celebrity crush, Gwen Stefani is not answering our calls)
AJ - (grabbing phone and dialing) You demanding mutha... (Angelina takes a deep, pausing breath) ...hunk of gorgeous man...(she smiles at me while I wonder if I accidentally ate something toxic today) I would not do this for just anyone, (then mumbles but I hear it) ...b*tch!!!... (gets back on her phone) "Jessie, get your sweet ass to Phoenix immed..." (pauses) "Goddam it! Manny Stiles is here and his wife is asking for you! Now!!!"
BP - Jessie [Jessica Alba] is a huge fan of yours, too... (Angelina screams at her cellphone as Brad stares me down before blurting) I want to smell your musk, Manny! (Brad lunges forward with a look in his eyes)
AJ - Sorry about that...(Angelina smacks Brad and pockets her cellphone) Jessie will be here in less than an hour. Bradley! Put that away! (Brad is pulling wadded, browned handfulls of toilet paper from deep within the seat of his pants and shoving them in his face and smearing his nose and sniffing vigorously, Angelina shakes her head in disgust/disbelief)
BP - Rgggh, mmmmmmille, sshiffff! (now he's licking his fingers then swiftly stuffing them down the back of his pants and sniffing/licking them again)
MS - Okay... I gotta go... Thanks for the interview! (I get up and make my move for the door with a clenched fist. I am ready for flight AND for fight)
AJ - You cannot defy my wishes! I did NOT get pregnant with an extraterestrial super-being and become Master and Overlord of Darkness for my freaking health! I demand you to stay here and wait for Jessica Alba to get it on with us when your wife gets here!!!
MS - Hey Overlord! Do you happen to know Adrianna Lima or the bassist from Stellastarr*??? (That one's for YOU, Paul Shirley)
BP - She knows Paris Hilton!!! Mmm... yeah, she's built like 13 year-old boy too... (back to the thousand-yard-stare for Brad)
MS - Eeew dude, No!
Overlord of Darkness, how about Ashley Judd? Scarlett Johannsen? or Lauren Graham (I am quite a Gilmore Girls fan)? Elisabeth Shue? Beyonce Knowles? Selma Hayek???
AJ - Jessica Simpson is in town...
MS - Thanks for the interview! I'm out!
"mutha f**kas" (with my hands doing that quotation thing yet once more) Make sure to send Jessica Alba to my place when she gets here...



End of Interview....Manny Stiles exits stage left in the key of "Peace!"

So to sum it up real nice... Brad has very tender hands, Angelina Jolie is the Master and Overlord of Darkness, is pregnant with an alien and I have less than an hour to convince my honey that she has 'the hots' for Jessica Alba...

to be continued... or is it?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Products of the Future!!!!

With all of the commercial hype during the Super Bowl (aka 'the commercial season' - since there's nothing else on TV until March (April) Madness... that means you too, World Baseball Classic) you may have noticed all of the wonderful new products being presented to us mindless consumers...

Well, I have gazed into the future (of an indeterminable date) and this is what we have to look forward to....

Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's New and Improved Razor/Pen the 'Slash' -
After the mega merger of the 4 companies, sales were a little slow until they realized we all need the 'Slash'!!! With 5000 retractable blades, it shaves your entire face in just one touch! Any blood from nicks is swabbed up into a micro chamber where it is then converted to the retractable pen so you can write in your own blood (good for selling you soul or other pacts with the devil)!!!

With a 90 year-old OJ Simpson (who finally did find the real killer and is now an Oscar winner for his work in Naked Gun - 1492) as the spokesman, Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's really cashing in...

Also in the works is a 'safer' version with only 4500 blades for the ladies...

AquaFresh, the toothpaste pioneers, after the debacle of their "Exploding Toothpaste" also found it's way back on the map here in the future with it's new personal hygiene line "AquaFlesh". A favorite among all humans with common scents. AquaFlesh nearly won a Nobel Prize for donating cases of it's products for free on Subways and Public Transportation Systems, making the "Onion People" nearly extinct... now EVERYONE is minty fresh (down there too!!)

From the makers of deodorant underwear comes a new product that changes the pheromones in a female's passed gas into a hormone that actually makes women twice as smart!!! With women intelligence leading the way, The United States of America merged peacefully after some hair pulling with Canada and Mexico to become New Amexida and now has a woman President (but oddly, a transexual Vice-President), 9 female Supreme Court justices, and women completely run NASA (there is currently a mission to the newly discovered, far away planet, that apparently has a specific gravity that renders cramps to be painless!!)
While at first, it seemed like a good idea to have gassy women become smarter, they are now leaving Earth and leaving the guys with all of the dumb, non-gassy women... what fun is that?
Attempts to make a product that makes guys smarter or even less gassy were of course, found to be impossible...

No one in the future can live without their trusty 'HoFo' or Holographic Phone. About one quarter the size of a 'quarter' (which is now the new $250 dollar coin and about the size of a dime) the HoFo can holographically display a life-sized image of the person you converse with right in front of your very eyes... Of course, the smart women legislators made it illegal for ugly people to use the HoFo.
It took a while to perfect the HoFo as the first 13 versions of it had technical issues from causing instant, irreversible blindness to usability issues due to the original dimensions (the original HoFo was the size of a city block that created holograms an inch tall)

Krispy Kreme Donuts are on every block in New Amexida!!! After going bankrupt during the Health Age, Krispy Kreme came roaring back with it's new Cancer-curing donut. At a mere 15,000 calories, a team of scientists discovered that 5 of these donuts a day for 3 months was able to rid any living being of all cancers, and in some cases even cleared up acne, healed hemorrhoids, gave men 4 day erections, grew hair was there was none, and rid unwanted hair was there was too much!!!
The only downside is unwanted heart attacks and extreme diarrhea...

And finally, one for the kids... a new drug called Chocolatin! It is 500 times as effective as Ritalin and tastes 10 times better than chocolate, and costs less than a quarter (that's $250 present value) Chocolatin actually converts a hyper (normal) child's brain into a calm, boring, bow tie-wearing, socially inept, geekish adults in a matter of weeks!!! No more bouncing off the walls, little Jimmy!!! It's time to do our taxes!

there you have it! a bright future awaits... in the NEAR future when I have some more time and caffeine, I'll add some more 'products' to this list

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Happy Birthday, Ant!



You would have turned 30 today!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Weblibs by Manny Stiles

A Story About (___fill in the blank___)... by (___your name, dipsh!t___)

Once upon a logon, there was this (___noun___) who found that there was no better way to (___verb___) than to (___verb___) a whole bunch of (__adjective___) and annoying (___plural nouns___).

It's true! For a measly $ (___amount in US Dollars___) you can (___verb___) like a freakin' Super- (___noun___). Holy (___exclamation___)!!! Even a fool can (___sense___) there's more (___fluid___) here than anywhere else except (___your Mom's___) house!!!

There's no denying... (___famous blogger's name___) has to be the (___studly adjective___) -est (___male positition of royalty___) of (___your strongest attribute___) there ever has been in (___where you are now___)!

No wonder, this story is about such an (___immoral term___) -ing idiot and general (___insulting truth___)

Thank you, and have a (___oddly complimentary adjective___) mid-afternoon.

Best Diet Ever!!! Fail proof! Guaranteed to work!!!

So we're past the holidays, winter's in full gear and Spring is around the corner... time to shed a few of those 'extra' pounds...

I have a diet/exercise program GUARANTEED to work!!! Best of all, it is as cheap or expensive as you want it to be...Yes, absolutely GUARANTEED!!!

It's easy, it's fun and it's PROVEN to shed pounds!!!

Manny Stiles' Fail Proof Diet -

Step 1 - Stop eating in all forms and manners. Don't consume anything! Don't swallow your own spit. Not yet, anyway... we'll provide a list of 'approved' foods- like any good diet!!!
Acceptable foods: water, milk, celery, ExLax, coffee, cigarettes, Castor Oil, Syrup of Ipecac

Every time you feel pains of hunger, shove your face into a used and overflowing baby diaper, then shove your longest finger down your throat, wash it down with an ExLax and a cup of 5 week old, room temperature milk.

Step 2 - Exercise maniacally! All day, with every movement, include a high level of "unneccessary movement" as well. Walk up stairs while swinging your head & flapping your arms, If you're doing pull ups, kick your legs furiously. If you like to run, run while flailing as if you are landswimming.... Scream as loud as you can every moment you realize you aren't screaming...This doesn't mean you need to join a gym... You can exercise right in your neighborhood for free! Also, work out when using the bathroom, flail your arms, make violent facial expressions (burns many calories).... this is often overlooked, but with your diet kicking in, you'll have lots of free time in the restroom, capitalize on your efforts!

Step 3 - If you are a Hollywood Actor/Actress, get lots of cocaine, you're a star, diet like one!!!(it'll help your image and self-esteem as well as find you lots of new, talkative friends)

...if you're a B-level celebrity, try regular street Meth, it's cheaper for your tight budget (Plus, it'll help us rid the world of you once and for all)

...if you're a nobody like the rest of us... try both of the above and eat one Ex-Lax for every 5 pounds of weight you want to lose, 3 times a day...and drink one cup of black coffee for every 10 pounds you want to lose, also 3 times a day... you might want to take up cigarettes, as well... not smoking them, eating them!!! Smoking's bad for your health, but there's nothing on the label that says it's bad to eat them... You're on a diet and cigarettes are one of the best things to eat to help out your diet...

Also, try and contract as many communicable diseases and parasites of all varieties as you can at once... Intestinal viruses are among the most valuable and overlooked diet aids...Your darned immune sytem spends too little energy when you're healthy! Make it work hard and the pounds fall off FAST! Plus expectorating fluids helps the cause as well!!! Remember to kick those legs when you're coughing!!! Leeches can also rid you of unwanted blood, it's just extra water weight anyway...

Step 4 - The diet is more important than ANYTHING - your health, family, well-being, and if anyone comes to 'Help you" just wants to see you get fatter, so do everything exactly OPPOSITE of whatever they say. Make sure you're kicking and flailing while you tell them to leave you alone.

Step 5 - do steps 1-4 repreatedly and continuously. Remember, YOU ARE GUARANTEED to lose weight trying this diet, however any complications that may occur under this program is definitely a result that you fully deserved.

... little known fact: ExLax does not lose it's potency after it has passed through your system! Some say it works BETTER the second time! Capture your 'used' ExLax and you can save money and get twice the benefit from the same amount of ExLax...(mix with a little Castor Oil to improve the flavor)