My Exclusive Interview with Brad and Angelina!!!

You know, it's not everyday that a fringe-of-society Blogger gets to swing such an exclusive interview as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Voight-Miller-Bob-Thornton-Pitt , but when my agent told me that I could get a couple of minutes with them, I thought "Ok, whatever; let's do it! Why not?"

As these things often seem to be, it did not go as I originally planned...

After many delays and minor dustups with 'security' people... I say 'security' because it seemed like I was entering through an army of cultish figures more than bodyguards. I met "Brangelina" in a hidden away resort here in Phoenix just a few weeks ago and here is the transcript of the interview...


Manny Stiles - I just want to thank both of you before we get started. It very nice of you both to agree to do this interview for someone with... how can I say this? Very little to no actual journalistic abilities...
Brad Pitt - Well, screw all of those media a**holes anyway. We wanted to, you know.... we like to keep it real and all.
Angelina Jolie - Manny, we have always respected your artistic talents and common-man nature. There needs to be more people like you! (laughs)
MS - You're too kind! And clearly, one who obviously speaks the truth...ha ha! Never mind my talents...
Anyway, on to the "interview" (making quotations with my hands)
BP - Don't do "that" (making quotations with his hands)
MS - Angie...Do you mind if I call you Angie?
AJ - Not at all... It is my name...
MS - What is it like being pregnant for the first time?
AJ - Well, to put it bluntly... travelling really sucks! Very uncomfortable... As you know, Bradley and I do so much charitable work all over the world and I get SO horny sometimes...
MS - Please move your hand from my leg...
BP - Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
MS - Dude, OFF of my leg, not further up it!
BP - Okay!
AJ - As I was saying, being pregnant makes me very horny. Sometimes during those big long press conferences and international organization meetings we go to, we have to step out, sneak off somewhere to satisfy the urges! It drives the makeup people CRAZY! They get me all dolled up, then all of a sudden, I'm gone! When I come back, I'm all sweaty and they have to fix me up and all... it's fun. Naughty fun.
BP - Yeah, and when I'm not with her, she just grabs whoever is in arm's reach... Man, Woman, Dog... hell, one time in Africa I saw her run down an Ostrich and hump it like crazy! Plumes were everywhere! It looked like a pillow fight scene from a bad porno...
MS - Okay, so that really had nothing to do with my question...
AJ - Sometimes we dress up like dirty homeless people and go to a local park and have hot, raw sex with the homeless people there. Bradley LOVES the raw smell of human, unadulterated and pure... Human musk is his favorite.
BP - Can I smell your pits, dude? (I suddenly gain the ability to feel uncomfortable in Brad's prescence) You ever really smelled your finger after you jam it up your butt?
AJ - (cuts in - just in time to keep the vomit in my throat) I made Bradley dress up like Billy Bob once and talk in that southern drawl... that was hot!
BP - How about when you dressed me up like Jenny? (absorbed in his suddenly moist digits)
MS - I suppose you mean your ex-wife Jennifer Anniston?
BP - Ex-wife? Hell, no! We never got married!!! It was just a media stunt so both of us could get some swee-eeet publicity. Those media f**ks ATE it up. (dramatic pause/Bradley's mind gears are suddenly GRINDING and his eyes are buggin')
Geez, Jenny has a d*ck, dude!!! "She" (making quotations with his hands) is a He!!! That's why Vinnie [Vince Vaughn] hangs out with her now. He's into that freaky sh*t!!! We were just good friends, and our agents took care of the whole deal...
AJ - "Friends" (doing the quotation hands), Haaaah!
BP - Yeah, then Jenny started wiggin' about getting me to lick her little diddle (dangling finger motion) and it was fun for a while and all... but then, during the filming of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie showed me the way. (smiles)
AJ - Bradley loves my brother, Jamie! He doesn't have the fake boobies getting in the way like Jenny! No hips and c**k-pillow lips... just like mine!
BP - Why do think I was so into Juliette [Lewis] and Gwynneth [Paltrow - almost Pitt's first wife]?? They're both built like 13-year old boys! With their hairless, flat chests and narrow hips...
MS - (interrupting) Wait! Brad, if you like little boys, why are you with Angie? She's 'voluptuous' (making quotations with my hands again) if you will...
BP - She's my Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness.
AJ - That's right, Manny Stiles! I rule all and beckon all to do my peculiar musings.
MS - So you're the Anti-Christ?
AJ - No you stupid f**k!!! I am Master and Supreme Overlord of Darkness!!!
MS - You're Satan?
BP - You're stupid aren't you? She's not Satan! Everyone knows [Irish band U2's frontman] Bono is Satan. Let me touch your thigh again... and smell your...
MS - What the...
AJ - Let me touch your thigh, Manny!!!
MS - But I am completely a happily married man!
AJ - Call your wife and get her here at once! I want to devour her too!
MS - She'll only show up if Jessica Alba is here too. (since her real celebrity crush, Gwen Stefani is not answering our calls)
AJ - (grabbing phone and dialing) You demanding mutha... (Angelina takes a deep, pausing breath) ...hunk of gorgeous man...(she smiles at me while I wonder if I accidentally ate something toxic today) I would not do this for just anyone, (then mumbles but I hear it) ...b*tch!!!... (gets back on her phone) "Jessie, get your sweet ass to Phoenix immed..." (pauses) "Goddam it! Manny Stiles is here and his wife is asking for you! Now!!!"
BP - Jessie [Jessica Alba] is a huge fan of yours, too... (Angelina screams at her cellphone as Brad stares me down before blurting) I want to smell your musk, Manny! (Brad lunges forward with a look in his eyes)
AJ - Sorry about that...(Angelina smacks Brad and pockets her cellphone) Jessie will be here in less than an hour. Bradley! Put that away! (Brad is pulling wadded, browned handfulls of toilet paper from deep within the seat of his pants and shoving them in his face and smearing his nose and sniffing vigorously, Angelina shakes her head in disgust/disbelief)
BP - Rgggh, mmmmmmille, sshiffff! (now he's licking his fingers then swiftly stuffing them down the back of his pants and sniffing/licking them again)
MS - Okay... I gotta go... Thanks for the interview! (I get up and make my move for the door with a clenched fist. I am ready for flight AND for fight)
AJ - You cannot defy my wishes! I did NOT get pregnant with an extraterestrial super-being and become Master and Overlord of Darkness for my freaking health! I demand you to stay here and wait for Jessica Alba to get it on with us when your wife gets here!!!
MS - Hey Overlord! Do you happen to know Adrianna Lima or the bassist from Stellastarr*??? (That one's for YOU, Paul Shirley)
BP - She knows Paris Hilton!!! Mmm... yeah, she's built like 13 year-old boy too... (back to the thousand-yard-stare for Brad)
MS - Eeew dude, No!
Overlord of Darkness, how about Ashley Judd? Scarlett Johannsen? or Lauren Graham (I am quite a Gilmore Girls fan)? Elisabeth Shue? Beyonce Knowles? Selma Hayek???
AJ - Jessica Simpson is in town...
MS - Thanks for the interview! I'm out!
"mutha f**kas" (with my hands doing that quotation thing yet once more) Make sure to send Jessica Alba to my place when she gets here...



End of Interview....Manny Stiles exits stage left in the key of "Peace!"

So to sum it up real nice... Brad has very tender hands, Angelina Jolie is the Master and Overlord of Darkness, is pregnant with an alien and I have less than an hour to convince my honey that she has 'the hots' for Jessica Alba...

to be continued... or is it?