Products of the Future!!!!

With all of the commercial hype during the Super Bowl (aka 'the commercial season' - since there's nothing else on TV until March (April) Madness... that means you too, World Baseball Classic) you may have noticed all of the wonderful new products being presented to us mindless consumers...

Well, I have gazed into the future (of an indeterminable date) and this is what we have to look forward to....

Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's New and Improved Razor/Pen the 'Slash' -
After the mega merger of the 4 companies, sales were a little slow until they realized we all need the 'Slash'!!! With 5000 retractable blades, it shaves your entire face in just one touch! Any blood from nicks is swabbed up into a micro chamber where it is then converted to the retractable pen so you can write in your own blood (good for selling you soul or other pacts with the devil)!!!

With a 90 year-old OJ Simpson (who finally did find the real killer and is now an Oscar winner for his work in Naked Gun - 1492) as the spokesman, Schick-Bic-Sharpie-Gillette's really cashing in...

Also in the works is a 'safer' version with only 4500 blades for the ladies...

AquaFresh, the toothpaste pioneers, after the debacle of their "Exploding Toothpaste" also found it's way back on the map here in the future with it's new personal hygiene line "AquaFlesh". A favorite among all humans with common scents. AquaFlesh nearly won a Nobel Prize for donating cases of it's products for free on Subways and Public Transportation Systems, making the "Onion People" nearly extinct... now EVERYONE is minty fresh (down there too!!)

From the makers of deodorant underwear comes a new product that changes the pheromones in a female's passed gas into a hormone that actually makes women twice as smart!!! With women intelligence leading the way, The United States of America merged peacefully after some hair pulling with Canada and Mexico to become New Amexida and now has a woman President (but oddly, a transexual Vice-President), 9 female Supreme Court justices, and women completely run NASA (there is currently a mission to the newly discovered, far away planet, that apparently has a specific gravity that renders cramps to be painless!!)
While at first, it seemed like a good idea to have gassy women become smarter, they are now leaving Earth and leaving the guys with all of the dumb, non-gassy women... what fun is that?
Attempts to make a product that makes guys smarter or even less gassy were of course, found to be impossible...

No one in the future can live without their trusty 'HoFo' or Holographic Phone. About one quarter the size of a 'quarter' (which is now the new $250 dollar coin and about the size of a dime) the HoFo can holographically display a life-sized image of the person you converse with right in front of your very eyes... Of course, the smart women legislators made it illegal for ugly people to use the HoFo.
It took a while to perfect the HoFo as the first 13 versions of it had technical issues from causing instant, irreversible blindness to usability issues due to the original dimensions (the original HoFo was the size of a city block that created holograms an inch tall)

Krispy Kreme Donuts are on every block in New Amexida!!! After going bankrupt during the Health Age, Krispy Kreme came roaring back with it's new Cancer-curing donut. At a mere 15,000 calories, a team of scientists discovered that 5 of these donuts a day for 3 months was able to rid any living being of all cancers, and in some cases even cleared up acne, healed hemorrhoids, gave men 4 day erections, grew hair was there was none, and rid unwanted hair was there was too much!!!
The only downside is unwanted heart attacks and extreme diarrhea...

And finally, one for the kids... a new drug called Chocolatin! It is 500 times as effective as Ritalin and tastes 10 times better than chocolate, and costs less than a quarter (that's $250 present value) Chocolatin actually converts a hyper (normal) child's brain into a calm, boring, bow tie-wearing, socially inept, geekish adults in a matter of weeks!!! No more bouncing off the walls, little Jimmy!!! It's time to do our taxes!

there you have it! a bright future awaits... in the NEAR future when I have some more time and caffeine, I'll add some more 'products' to this list