Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Manny Stiles "Hollywood Hat Theory"


[Read this in your best imaginary announcer voice]

COMING SUMMER 2006 ...

"A whole bunch of crap (slight pause) you shouldn't waste a second thinking about, (dramatic pause) but will be inundated to the point you will HAVE to drop some dough on (lengthy pause) just to eliminate the endless commercial onslaught (exaggerated pause) from your programmed mental process... it's (pause, then pause again) the HOTTEST (wait) MOVIE (wait for it) OF (here it is) THE SUMMER!!!"

From the producers of "We Wasted Your Time Last Summer", "Yeah, Two Gay Cowboys Will Get Their Attention" and "Let's Spend $100 Million Making A Plotless Pile of Crappy Explosions and Special Effects"... it's...

Movie! - the Movie

All of the critics agree! Here's proof:
"Two hours I will never get back" says Joe Critic - the Completely Made Up Times
"I'm sorry, what were we talking about?" exasperates Johnny Johnson - What Magazine
"One thumb way up my butt!!!" raves Thumbless Jimmy - Daily Spammer

OK. Pardon my length here (pun is both intended and unintended). A good story is always going to be a good story. And truth almost ALWAYS outperforms Fiction when it comes to attaining the GTFOOH (Get the *freak* out of here) factor. So most true stories make unbelievable movies. But there has to be a point where we have to ask... Why the blog are some of these movies even getting out of the "idea" phase?

Seriously though... how close would we be to curing all of the world's problems (hunger, disease, poverty, homelessness, illiteracy, spontaneous combustion, the hole in the ozone layer, etc.) if we took all of the money we have used to MAKE movies and put that cash to even semi-good use?

Hell, the $$$ spent on Waterworld, War of the Worlds (all versions) and Around the World in 80 days (all versions) alone could have been used in better ways to make this a much better world. (My opinion here- even if they didn't make those movies it would have been a better world)

We're talking HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS every YEAR just MAKING movies... that doesn't count the money spent by the masses seeing them, or the popcorn and milk dud industries. Don't get me started on the award shows, that's a whole other blog topic. Then there's all the critics and reviewers getting paid for what YOU pay to do...and how big is the "Worst Of" industry?? There are people making a living just picking the WORST movies and ranking them, giving them Razzies, etc.

And when I go to work... I can't have conversations about political, religious, social, sexual or even racial issues, but I can yap all day about "____name any movie here____" and it's widely accepted, encouraged and even added to. Where have you gone First Amendment?

WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

I'll tell you - we are willing, submissive victims of "The Hat"

Q. - What is "The Hat"?
A. - The Hollywood Hat Theory or "The Hat" as it shall be known moving downward is...wait a freakin' minute... let's build the suspense first...


Q. - What is "The Hat" made of?
A. - At best guess... it was originally wool. Then it was replaced by a cotton hat, then probably a polyester hat and then cashmere, of course... today it is either weaved cash, ruby-encrusted platinum or made up up Moon rocks, who knows?


Q. - Where is "The Hat"?
A. - "The Hat" sits in some undetermined (so far) location in Southern California - me thinks it's somewhere between Santa Monica and Malibu


Q. - What is "The Hat"?
A. - It is literally - a hat. Inside of "The Hat" are many small, folded pieces of paper with the names of whomever is "box office" trendy at the moment - some think there may actually be 2 hats - one male, one female, but I don't think so

Q. - Whose names are in "The Hat"?
A. - If you were on E!, Extra!, Access Hollywood or any similar production sometime in the last 7 years... you're in there. After falling out of "The Hat" for 5-7 years, depending on how bad your drug/legal problems are, you can actually get put back in "The Hat" as a "comeback story" - similar side note: Will somebody please wake up Michael Keaton's agent and get some drug/legal issues strummed up... (maybe have him busted freebasing with a transexual hooker and a giant sex toy...yeah, that'll get people talking... "I'm Batman, Beotch!)

also Tom Cruise is perilously close to being permanently banned from "The Hat" - You can't handle the truth, Maypother!!! Don't complete us, we'll complete YOU!!! You're on the wrong couch, dude

Q. - What the hell is the purpose of "The Hat"?
A. - One purpose is keeping Phyllis Diller at work - seriously, thank GOD she only does cartoon voices now. And I'm starting to think Al Pacino must have pictures of somebody to keep getting pulled.
The keepers of "The Hat" reach in, pull out 2 names and Whammo! the Green light is on, now go make a movie!!!

Oscar Winner Al Pacino and a face-for-radio Phyllis Diller in...

Scent of a...Dude, Is that a woman?

also starring Ashton Kutcher, Hillary Clinton, and Michael Keaton as "Tom Hanks"

see? The purpose of "The Hat"...these things practically write themselves.

Q. - How does Manny Stiles know about "The Hat"?
A. - C'Mon...how else do you explain such phenomena as "Showtime" with Eddie Murphy & Robert DeNiro, "Bringing Down the House" with Steve Martin and Queen (where's the King?) Latifah, or every movie starring Nicholas Cage, Ben Stiller, or Jack Black ? (when are you gonna be in Scottsdale again, Jack?) Obviously, making a movie isn't about making a GOOD movie, or sometimes even making money as much as it is about pleasing "The Hat"

So to sum it up....

Why haven't the following movies been made yet?

(Let's get "The Hat" out, find a crappy band to re-do a song horribly and make it happen!!!!!)

"Saturday Night Live" - the movie of course would have to suck AND be loved at the same time
"We've Run Out of Scripts" - a multi-megastudio production
"Citizen Kane" - by Peter "My ego humps itself" Jackson and Jerry "Let's Blow It Up" Bruckheimer
A "Goonies Reunion"
An Actual "Mickey Mouse Movie" (that mouse hasn't done crap in a loooong time)
"Top Gun" (modern day remake with actors that could make plausible pilots this time)
"Jump The Shark" - the movie
"Pointless Movie where "name a starlet" gets topless, etc" - preferrably starring many starlets [these are always a winner]
"The Last Guy Without A Cellphone" (aka the Manny Stiles Story)
"Transexual Love Saga"
"The Neverstarting Story"
"Richard Starkey" - see my post "Free Movie Idea" below
"The Manny Stiles Story" - A guy goes for the big cash grab
"Jackass meets the Stooges" - Mike Myers as Moe, Robin Williams as Larry (both gimmes) and pull a Curly, Shemp and Joe out of "The Hat"
"Extremely Loosely Based on a True Story"
"The Hat - The Hollywood Hat Theory" - A Manny Stiles/Beats By Man Production

I can go on with more...but this blog entry is getting lengthy...

Hollywood Hat people - get your people to call my people, please....

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