My Exclusive Interview with George Washington

Yes, he's the 'Father of Our Country'. Yes he's 'dead', but that would never stop a great interviewer like myself.

I won't go into the specific details on how one meets with and interviews dead people (nor will I explain how I used my flux capacitor without the aid of lightning). All you need to know is Mr. Washington is probably MORE busy as a dead guy than he was as our first President. His publicist is a handful, as well... anyway -

Setting - In a misty realm where dead and living are neither, but beings be and material things are irrelevant, I meet with Mr Washington, who seems thrilled at the opportunity to communicate with an American from the time of now...

Manny Stiles - Thank you for meeting with me, Mr Washington. It is an honor and a thrill to interview such an amazing and important figure in the world's history.
George Washington - Please, please...call me George. Up in heaven, there's no need for using 'Mister', so I've grown accustomed.
MS - Thanks George! Can I call you 'G' to add a little 21st century twist?
GW- They call your current President 'W', so sure...why not?
MS - Thanks, G! You know the 'W' is for Washington...Right off the bat, you brought up an interesting point, and I didn't even think to ask you this, but I will...WHAT... is heaven like?
GW - Manny, mind if I call you 'M'?
MS - G, YOU can call me whatever you want!
GW - IF I were to tell you what heaven is like, you would die instantly from such knowledge. As a living being, you are not to know these things until you ARE to know these things. However, I will tell you Dick Nixon is a party animal there, Genghis Khan is a voice of reason and Adolf Hitler has become one heck of a ping-pong player.
MS - Wait, wait, wait, wait, G... Richard Nixon is in Heaven???
GW - Again, the things of Heaven and Hell aren't for mere human understanding... Let me just put it this way... deathbed repentances happen MORE than you think! I tried to warn John Adams, but he was too busy trying to outlive Thomas Jefferson. Now Adams is in Hell, forced to listen to a choir of Popes sing 'Muppets' songs with Jim Henson.
MS - Wow...that IS Hell...I guess I'll move on to the interview I had intended... let me gather my thoughts for a moment...ok. Let's get right at it...
Being that you are America's first President, what is your impression of America today?
GW - Let us clarify one thing. It is the UNITED States of America. United was the key from the beginning. We did all of it together, or it would have never come to be. Sure there was infighting and squabbles, they even tried to remove me from the militia on several occasions, but we came together for a common cause and we all pulled the rope together in the same direction. I don't see that today. It seems everyone is pulling in their own direction and not for the common good of all. Calling it America takes away from what it was intended to be. The whole continent is America, but only the States that were United could accomplish such great things.
MS - Does it concern you that people today have little or no concept about how this country came to be?
GW - No, with all of today's worries, 'What's on my iPod?', 'what celebrity was arrested for what', 'which brand name is coolest' - OF COURSE it concerns me, but realistically, I don't care. I'm dead and have other concerns now... like the upcoming soccer matches of the guardian angels or preparing for the impending apocalypse next year.
MS - Oooooh Kaaaay... angels playing soccer, apocalypse...
GW - I was kidding about that... angels don't play soccer.
MS - That's a relief, I guess...next question... Tell me something about yourself that the history books have taught us that is all wrong.
GW - Too many things! I was not a great man, hell, I wasn't even a good General, I was a surveyor who was thrust into scuffles over land rights. But for that time, I was a big man physically, so I commanded some respect. But Manny, you're a GIANT compared to me! What are you? Six feet, five?
MS - Six foot six, G. Get it right!
GW - I would have made you into a General in the Continental Army, absolutely!
Basically, I was just a regular guy with a POWERFUL wife. Martha deserves all of the credit. When I was down, she lifted me up, what a fantastic broad!
I was good at delegating to the experts. I surrounded myself with excellent characters and wise, sharp minds. I had Baron von Steuben train my men at Valley Forge, Alexander Hamilton design the financial structures, John Jay was my law specialist and Jefferson and Adams wrote up the important documents -I was not as schooled as my brothers and was never a good speller. But these men were brilliant, I was just barely smart enough to let them do the important work.
Also, I didn't chop down any stupid cherry trees, the French and Indian wars were somewhat MY fault... I was a Whig but I didn't wear a wig.
I did own slaves, but I didn't treat them like slaves; I kept families together and treated my people well. They were more or less full-time workers who lived on my properties. Many of my slaves also volunteered for the Militias and served well.
Furthermore, I didn't have wooden teeth and I look WAY too old on the Quarter & One Dollar bill. And my nose wasn't that big -By the way, I think Ben Franklin should be on the One Dollar and I should be on the Hundred... Ben was a cheap womanizer. Having Franklin on a One Dollar would be more fitting, if you know what I mean.
MS - And that brings up another thing. What was it like in Philadelphia in 1776? Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Hancock; all of these great patriots gathering together...
GW- Stop right there... Our intention wasn't to do great things for the ages. It was to set things right for US first, the rest of the colonies second. Most of the men who 'signed' the Declaration weren't even there...and it wasn't printed until almost a year later. Hell, it wasn't even the FIRST declaration! The Magna Carta wasn't the blueprint for our document, the Declaration of Arbroath and the Virginia Declaration of Rights were...but so was the Mecklenburg Declaration. Some guys in Mecklenburg County (Now in North Carolina) declared Independence from England over a year before we even met in Philadelphia. But our's pissed off the King a little more.
But Philadelphia in 1776 was crazy! Most people didn't care about the British OR the Continental Armies, as long as they were left alone. Philadelphia was party central, Ben Franklin was Grand Marshall and the babes were showing ankle everywhere.
MS - Who would have thunk it?
GW - Look, Manny... I mean, M. The good stuff doesn't get written down and put into history books. Why? We were too busy having the fun to write it all down! There was a LOT of drinking going on in 1776. I was quite a whiskey maker and Franklin could brew up some great mead, even in his latter days. After my days as President, all I did at Mount Vernon was grow hemp and make whiskey.
MS - Times were different then, huh?
GW - I don't mean to get all "you kids nowadays" on you, but... The United States were founded on simple concepts. We didn't want somebody in our business all of the time. The King of England didn't need to know our business from across an ocean and DEFINITELY didn't need to skim our profits without us having a say. Now, that's exactly what the present government has become. I realize things are different, times are different and innovations have made many new things possible. But really; Are PEOPLE different? As people we all have rights, hopes, dreams; we use our efforts to better our lives, for our families and the generations to follow. We did NOT intend for our governing bodies to nose it's way into everything. You have WAY too many laws today. Every law you add makes a whole new set of problems. We ran into that early on. I was almost overthrown as President until cooler heads prevailed. Governments need to Govern, not RULE.
MS - Excellent point, G! Maybe that's why you are considered one of the best Presidents ever.
GW - Again, I was NOT a great man. I merely did what I HAD to do. Politicians today do what's best for their agenda. They no longer do what they HAVE to do. Of course, I was never a politician. I delegated my authority to the people who could accomplish the best results. Serving your country, your constituents and your people is a duty, an honor. Not a social accomplishment or next rung of celebrity status.
MS - You hit the nail on the head.
GW - Well, we never thought about a country reaching to the other ocean, either. We didn't even know how far that was. So the set of problems today ARE difficult, but the purpose of having the UNITED States was to have each state regulate itself and have a Federal government regulate the States. The Federal government was never intended to regulate the citizens. That's what England was doing to us!
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness can't happen if you are regulated away from that pursuit.
MS - How would you suggest we fix this now? How do we get back to what you guys were trying to do?
GW - Look, in the 1770's and '80's, we were fighting to free ourselves, not design an everlasting structure for governing. If things constantly change, why use antiquated methods for modern problems? The 'American' way is to identify a problem and promptly use all faculties available to adapt, overcome and MOVE ON with extraordinary results. Do things seem like that today?
No man with common sense would put horseshoes on his motorized vehicle. Why would you regulate internet business with laws that were intended for tobacco farmers?
I am not the smartest man, but maybe it's time to take a look at all of it and start over.
Our freedom has been established, now let's move forward. Get politicians OUT of governing. The right thing to do is going to offend some people some time. It has to!
You can't flip-flop or do what's best for all when you have your personal or financial interests at stake. Delegate the powers to the people with most skill, intelligence and morality. Empower the people first, the governing bodies second. That's what the Bill of Rights was intended to do.
MS - Wow, that's a lot to take in. How do you keep up with all of the changes in society?
GW - There's some pretty good coverage up there in Heaven. Hey, that Scarlett Johansson is quite a babe!
MS - Exactly. One last question I had prepared: What is your opinion of our 'National Anthem'? There's been some people who suggest the words are outdated and the tune is too long. What do you think?
GW - I love 'The Star Spangled Banner' for military events, the Olympics or any NATIONAL event; but for everyday use such as baseball games or parades, I really like that song "We Will Rock You" by those strange British boys...who were they? The Queens?
It is so much simpler, people can stomp and clap along or even chant "U.S.A.!, U.S.A.!". It would certainly spread national pride and offers a more accurate description the United States...
MS - Very good choice, G! I do want to thank you for this enlightening perspective and interview. You are honored as a treasure for the right reasons. I definitely appreciated your time and enjoyed every moment of your presence.
GW - Thank you, it was my pleasure! Tell Scarlett I said 'hello!'.
MS - I'll try my best. Tell Martha and Jimi Hendrix I said 'Hi!'...catch ya later, G!
GW - See ya next year, Manny!
MS - Whaaaa?

And then **POOF** - into the mist he returned. I wanted to stay and and converse more with him.
What was his opinion on George W Bush, Terrorism, Steroids in Pro Sports, Immigration, Iraq, Abortion, Modern Inventions and Travel or the U.S. sucking in the World Cup? Oh well! Maybe we'll cross paths again soon...